If you aspire to have a marriage that attains any degree of permanence, both you and your spouse will need to learn how to forgive your spouse.
Here are seven-plus practical ways you can demonstrate genuine grace in your marriage and other relationships.
1. Practice non-retaliation.
Refuse to escalate the conflict by trying to get back at your spouse in some way, either through your words or actions. Turn the other cheek. Remain calm, non-anxious, and non-reactive.
2. Assume the best.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your spouse is out to make your life miserable. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt. He or she may simply have not considered how his or her words or actions would make you feel.
3. Look in the mirror.
Ask how your attitudes or behaviors may have contributed to your spouse speaking or acting in the way that he or she did. Not that you need to take responsibility for the offense; but it is easier to show grace when you can see your part in the situation.
4. Don’t be easily offended.
Discern what is truly hurtful from what is merely uncomfortable or inconvenient. Don’t let a minor irritation develop into a point of genuine hurt and conflict within the marriage.
5. But be offended.
And name the offense. Forgiving doesn’t mean just sweeping a genuine offense under the rug. In order to forgive, there must be something to be forgiven. And by naming the offense to yourself first, you may realize you’re overreacting.
6. Don’t “press charges.”
Once you’ve named the offense, simply drop the charges.* Refuse to prosecute. Be generous with your forgiveness. Forgive the way you want God to forgive you.
7. And throw away the scorecard.
Refuse to keep a record of wrongs. I’m pretty sure this is what Jesus had in mind when he said that we should forgive not seven times but seventy times seven.
And one more thing. Don’t hold out for an apology. Just go ahead and forgive your spouse. Grace is an unmerited gift, and it doesn’t expect anything in return.
Yes, it’s much easier to forgive when the other person is repentant. But your abundant grace may be just the thing to lead your spouse to repentance. It’s happened before.
Continue the series: Habit 7 – How to Cultivate Love in Your Marriage
* I adapted this phrase from Miroslav Volf in his book, Free of Charge.