“Accepting Ourselves As We Are” is the fourth post in a series on the “Pillars of Spiritual Wellness.” Read the first post here.
In the first season of the Netflix TV series, The Crown, there is an episode in which Britain’s Prime Minister, Winston Churchill sat for a portrait commissioned by the joint Houses of Parliament in honor of his 80th birthday. Much to Churchill’s consternation, the artist, Graham Sutherland, insisted on painting Churchill as he really was, rather than as he wished to see himself.
When the portrait was presented publicly, it deeply offended Churchill. The image of the old man represented in the portrait embarrassed him. Later, in private, Churchill confronted Sutherland, accusing him of portraying a prestigious public servant in a mean-spirited way. The conversation went as such:
Churchill: “It is not a reasonably truthful image of me!
Sutherland: “It is, sir.”
Churchill: “It is not! It is cruel!”
Sutherland: “Age is cruel!”
[Long pause]
Sutherland: “If you see decay, it’s because there’s decay. If you see frailty, it’s because there’s frailty. I can’t be blamed for what is. And I refuse to hide and disguise what I see. If you’re engaged in a fight with something, then it’s not with me. It’s with your own blindness.
[Sitting down] Churchill: “I think you should go.”
Churchill, it seems, never came to grips with the image in the portrait. History tells us that his wife, Lady Clementine Spencer-Churchill, eventually destroyed it to protect his self-image.
Perhaps we can all sympathize with Churchill in not liking his portrait at 80 years of age. As I approach the age of 50, I am sometimes surprised to see that the camera no longer captures the younger version of me that I still retain in my mind. Sometimes I even add a little color to my beard as a throwback to youth.
Recognizing Our Blindness
I was most struck, however, by Sutherland’s comment about Churchill’s blindness. It may have been spoken in defense and a bit harshly, and yet there is something there that each of us needs to hear and consider. All of us, over time, build up an image of ourselves that is different than the way others see us. In other words, our self-image doesn’t always match up with reality.
I hope you understand, now, that I’m not talking primarily about our physical appearance, although that can certainly be part of it. Instead, I’m talking about the whole package of who we see ourselves to be.
Ask five people who know you well to describe honestly how they see you, and you’re likely to receive five unique answers. Each one would contribute a slightly different perspective on who you are. And probably none of their descriptions would precisely match up with the version of you that exists in your own mind.
Who is right? Probably everyone—and no one. There are probably some ways in which you know yourself better than anyone else. There are probably also ways in which other people know you better than you know yourself.
The reason is, as Graham Sutherland pointed out to Winston Churchill, we are often blind to what other people can clearly see in us.
Seeing Our False Front
Many, perhaps most, of us want to see ourselves in the most flattering light possible. And so we build up an image of ourselves that we want to be true, and we simply leave out the parts that don’t flatter us. Or if we can’t totally leave out the unflattering parts, we at least create a narrative that shifts the blame to other people or circumstances beyond our control. We, then, try to build a life that protects and reinforces our carefully-constructed image of our self.
Others of us have sadly grown accustomed to seeing ourselves in an unflattering light. This is especially true of those who have not always received the love and support they needed in their formative years. Rather than being blind to the aspects of themselves they consider negative, they have much more difficulty seeing the good in themselves.
Most of us fall somewhere between the extremes of narcissism and self-hatred, but all of us, without exception, construct a false front and adopt behaviors and a lifestyle to support that false front. This is the image we present to God, ourselves, and others, and it doesn’t quite match up with reality. We project who we want to be or how we feel about ourselves rather than who we really are. And it usually requires something dramatic to shake us free of that image.
Many people refer to this image we project as our false self. We could just as well call it our projected self, our deceptive self, our deceived self, our defensive self, our hiding self, or any number of other names. In the biblical narrative, the first persons to experience this false self were Adam and Eve, and so we might even think of it as our fig-leaf self. Whatever we choose to call it, this image we have of ourselves is not an accurate depiction of who we are. It’s not who God created us to be.
Putting Off Our “Old Self”
The apostle Paul had his own name for it. He called it our old self. And he said that, through the power of Christ, we need to continually “put off” this false self and put on our new self in Christ. Before we can even begin to put off our old self, though, we have to acknowledge its existence. We have to recognize and accept the false self we’ve constructed, before we can even begin to discover our true self.
Occasionally, we’re given the opportunity, such as Sutherland gave Churchill, to break free from the image we project and see ourselves as others see us. This can be a gift or a curse—depending on the insight and intentions of the person who offers to “speak truth” into our lives. We can often learn from others’ perspectives on who we are, but we must always remember that they are limited in their understanding as well.
The perspective we can always trust, however, is God’s view of us. God always sees us just the way we are. He knows all about our false self or fig-leaf self, and he accepts us just the way we are. He approaches us in the garden, where we’re hiding, and offers connection. He engages with our false self and offers us the opportunity for new life.
In Christ, we no longer need to hide behind a projected image. Once we finally accept ourselves for who we are—rather than denying, deflecting, or hiding—that’s when the real transformation can begin.
For myself, seeing myself like God sees me has been way more important than accepting myself. How He sees me is as a beautiful son and as a creature which requires transformation to become an image of His Son. I have often used something you wrote in a book years ago: Our problem is not that we are human – the problem is that we are less than human. We have rejected our true calling by walking away from the gift of fellowship and fatherhood God gave use when we were created. History is mostly the story of God redeeming us and bringing us back to the purpose for which we were created.
Yes, it is important to think rightly of ourselves. A big step in that direction is to believe what God has said about us.
Thank you for your insightful and well thought out writings. The number of people who read and are influenced are almost certainly way more than you can imagine. After writing regularly for over a decade I am certain the “silent ones” who never provide feedback are an important readership.
Greg, thank you for your kind words! It’s always good to hear when something I’ve written connects and sticks. It’s also interesting to hear how people tend to resonate more with one or the other thought–“accepting myself as I am” or “seeing myself as God sees me.” From my perspective, they are really two sides of the same coin. I’ll have more to say about it as we go along. Thanks again. Great to hear from you!