“Another use of fidelity is to preserve the possibility of devotion against the distractions of novelty. What marriage offers—and what fidelity is meant to protect—is the possibility of moments when what we have chosen and what we desire are the same.”—Wendell Berry
The problem with fidelity in marriage is not that you still find others attractive or desirable; it is when you let the desir-able become your desire. Today, I want to share seven practical ways to redeem your desire and maintain healthy relationships.
1. Walk it back.
Learn to recognize the progression from attraction to desire to lust. When you find yourself moving toward desire or lust, consciously and intentionally walk your thoughts all the way back to mere attraction. You can find someone desirable without desiring her or him.
2. Cast out fear.
Fear is not a virtue; it has no place in the Christian life. Yet much of the guidance you hear on this topic is fear-driven. You don’t need to fear being attracted to someone else. You don’t have to avoid seeing or interacting with people to whom you’re attracted. And you certainly don’t need to blame someone else for attracting your attention. Instead, cast out fear. Let faith, hope, and love—not fear—guide you to faithfulness in all your relationships.
3. Reject comparison.
Refuse to play the game of comparing and contrasting your spouse to someone else you find attractive. There’s nothing wrong with seeing good, attractive qualities in others, but resist the temptation to see someone else as “better” or “better for you.” Instead, let every good, attractive quality point you back to some good, attractive quality in the person to whom you’re married.
4. Remember your “membership.”
You are not an isolated individual. You are a member of a marriage, a family, a church, a community, a culture, a society. Consider how a breach of fidelity in your marriage would affect all of those who are part of your “membership.”
5. Regard as family.
The most brilliant guidance in this matter comes from the apostle Paul. If she is not your wife, treat her as your sister, mother, or daughter. If he is not your husband, treat him as your brother, father, or son. With this in mind, kindness, affection, even love are not out of bounds; but the desire and will to possess clearly are.
6. Maintain boundaries.
Establish a set of personal boundaries for relationships with the opposite sex. Those boundaries should reflect faith, hope, and love—not fear—as well as sensitivity and respect for others, especially your spouse. Once you’ve established them, stick to them without exception.
7. Imagine fidelity.
Imagination is the ability to picture something in your mind. Do not let your marriage suffer from a failure of imagination. Make it a practice to imagine what it means to be faithful to your spouse and the legacy that such faithfulness will leave for your children and your children’s children.
Maintaining fidelity in marriage is not about sin management; it is about redemption. It is about letting Christ transform your heart and desires so that you are moving toward greater health in your relationships, not more brokenness.
Imagine if all of your relationships were untainted by sin.
Imagine if they were fully redeemed.
We may never attain perfect relationships before Christ returns, but we can at least practice redemption. And we can cooperate with the Holy Spirit as he seeks to restore our life and relationships.
Continue the series: Habit 6 – Seven-Plus Ways to Forgive Your Spouse