To practice marital fidelity, it’s important to understand the progression of attraction – desire – lust.
Attraction
Imagine that you’re sitting in a coffee shop trying to get some work done. An attractive, stylish person takes a table near you and pulls out a brand new, shiny iPad. Your eyes are immediately drawn to its slim profile and sexy, intuitive, touch screen. You are immediately attracted. You want to maintain eye contact, but you force your eyes back to your trusty, faithful laptop.
Desire
Soon, though, you find yourself looking again at the iPad. It seems so perfect. Your laptop is great, but why couldn’t you have an iPad too? What would be the harm? You find yourself thinking, “Yeah, I would really like to have an iPad. That would be so amazing just to hold one in my hands. To take it home with me.” And in an instant, you’ve moved from attraction to desire.
Lust
Even so, you return your eyes to your laptop, trying to focus again on your work. But your thoughts keep returning to the iPad. You’d really like to have one. In fact, you decide that you deserve one. If only the owner would walk away for a moment, you think you could probably sneak it into your backpack and take off before anyone notices. Yeah, that’s what you’ll do. And now you’ve moved from desire to lust.
The Value of Restraint
Most of us recognize that it is not good for a person to have whatever he or she desires.
Restraint is a virtue. And this is especially true when it comes to marriage.
The institution of marriage itself is a recognition of the need to show restraint, as it requires you to take all of your sexual desire and focus it on a single person—your spouse. Marriage is a learning laboratory for self-control.
It’s important, then, to understand the difference between attraction, desire, and lust; to know how each connects with fidelity and infidelity; and to learn where self-control must be applied.
Defining Attraction
Attraction, it seems to me, is a matter of the heart. We don’t first think attraction; we feel it. It is an instinctual, biological response. It is perfectly natural to feel attraction, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling attracted to someone. The only way that I can think that you could genuinely stifle attraction would be to meditate on reasons why the person is unattractive, and that seems neither charitable nor kind. So face it, both you and your spouse will at times be attracted to other people. It’s a normal, even healthy, emotional response.
Defining Desire
Desire, it seems to me, is a matter of the mind. It comes when we move beyond admiration or attraction to think about having or possessing for yourself the person to whom you’re attracted. If attraction can be summed up as “She pleases me,” then desire can be summed up as “I would like to have her.” It’s difficult to pin down where desire becomes destructive, because it is possible for a thought to pop into your mind and to dispose of it just as quickly. But desire that is allowed to take root and grow will quickly become dangerous.
Defining Lust
Lust, it seems to me, is a matter of the will. If desire can be summed up as “I want him,” then lust can be summed up as “I will have him.” Lust is the intention to be unfaithful, and Jesus says the one who lusts has already committed adultery in his or her heart. In other words, lust is always destructive.
If attraction is often harmless, and lust is always destructive, then the key battleground for a sustainable marriage is desire. That is why it is important to learn to focus your desire on your spouse and not anyone else.
Continue the series: Habit 5b – How to Focus Desire in Your Marriage