Many couples mistakenly think that having a lasting, satisfying marriage is all about growing closer to your spouse. They may cling so tightly that one or both of them end up feeling that they are no longer able to preserve self or have a life of their own.
As much as you need to cultivate intimacy and affection in your marriage, it’s also important that you and your spouse both are able to maintain—or maybe discover for the first time—a sense of being your own person. As Edwin Friedman said:
“The universal problem for all partnerships, marital or otherwise, was not getting closer; it was preserving self in a close relationship.”
A healthy marriage includes both closeness and distance or separation.
Here are 7 key ways you need to intentionally create separation to preserve self in your marriage.
1. Time
When you were first married, you may have harbored some version of a fantasy that you and your spouse would spend every possible moment together for the rest of your lives. But what happens when one of you decides there’s a need for some alone time? Is this the first sign of trouble in the marriage? Absolutely not. You are intuitively recognizing one of the basic necessities for a relationship—maintaining a sense of self. You and your spouse both need some time alone.
2. Space
In addition to time, you both need space or freedom. To not feel crowded. Your spouse needs to feel that he or she is being treated as responsible and trustworthy, that there is no need to constantly check in and check up. Be aware of when your husband or wife needs space to do something without interference or interruption.
3. Thought
Separation in thought means that your spouse has freedom to disagree with you. To have different opinions from you. To make up her or his own mind. A sustainable marriage is one in which both spouses have the freedom to think for themselves, without being made to feel as if they are being disloyal or disrespectful to the other.
4. Emotion
Just as you don’t always have to think like your spouse, you don’t have to always feel the same way either. Conflicting moods and emotions can be a real challenge in a marriage, and the only healthy way to deal with them is to recognize that your spouse is his or her own person and has the right to his or her own feelings.
5. Privacy
Some couples make the mistake of thinking that there should be no privacy, that they have the right to know, for example, what the other is thinking at all times. In reality, there are sometimes good reasons for not sharing what you’re thinking. Some thoughts are best “taken captive” and never expressed. Marriage need not obliterate all privacy between spouses.
6. Interests
It is inevitable in any marriage that spouses will have some interests that don’t quite match up. Give your spouse the freedom to have some hobbies, activities, or friendships that might not always involve you.
7. Identity
And this is the heart of it. In a sustainable marriage, two become one, and yet they are not identical, and neither one is devoured by the relationship. As you grow continually closer in your marriage, it is essential that both you and your spouse maintain your unique identity. Loss of identity equals failure in marriage.
It is admittedly counterintuitive, and yet there is no denying it. A healthy sustainable marriage is not pure closeness; it is the right mix of intimacy and separation. Give your spouse the separation that is necessary to preserve self, and to be and become the person God created him or her to be.
Continue the series: Habit 5a: Understanding Attraction – Desire – Lust