To cultivate affection for someone is to learn to accept and like them for who they are right now. It is to enjoy being with them. To crave more time with them.
Most relationships begin with some level of affection. But for your marriage to be sustainable, you and your spouse both need to maintain and grow your affection for one another. Here are 7 ways to do that.
1. Make time
There is no substitute for being available to one another. Modern life seems almost to conspire to keep spouses apart, drown them in busyness, and distract them when they do find time together. You and your spouse need to work together. Play together. Talk to each other. Make a habit of setting aside time for just the two of you. Look forward to it, and guard it carefully.
2. Give space
There is some truth in the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Time away from each other can be just as important as time together for growing affection. It grants freedom, values independence, and demonstrates trust. Each couple must figure out together the right balance between time together and time away, but both are important.
3. Listen attentively
It has perhaps never been more difficult to truly listen than it is today. Yet attentive listening is the only way to truly know your spouse better and grow in affection for him or her. Find a comfortable place where you and your spouse can more easily focus on one another, and visit it frequently. Turn off the electronic devices, turn toward one another, and connect with the person in front of you.
4. Sympathize generously
Being critical is easy. Pointing out faults too often becomes the default. Most of us already have plenty of people who are ready to criticize us. Be the person your spouse can count on to see things from his or her perspective. Learning to sympathize is an important way to cultivate affection.
5. Touch gently
Demonstrating affection is one of the best ways to cultivate affection. And gentle, non-sexual touch that both of you are comfortable with can be a great way to demonstrate affection. Sit close to one another. Put your arm around your spouse. Hold hands. Enjoy the closeness just as you did when you were first getting to know one another.
6. Speak fondly
Save your business face and voice for work. When you speak to your spouse, try to insert a warm smile that reaches up to your eyes. You don’t have to smile through the whole conversation. That would probably be a bit creepy anyway. But beginning with a smile lets your spouse know that things are good between you.
7. Prize virtue
Yes, there are plenty of things about your spouse with which you could find fault. If that’s what you’re looking for. But if you’re wanting a sustainable marriage, that’s not what you’re looking for. Seek out your spouse’s virtues, of which there are many, otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen him or her. Focus on the virtues, not the faults.
God chose you because you are created in His image; you bear His glory, even in the midst of your brokenness and sinfulness. And He chose your spouse for the same reason. Focus on the glory, and let God take care of the redemption.
Continue the series: Habit 2 – Seven Signs of Mutuality in Marriage