Virtue is not a popular word. I won’t speculate about why, but I will tell you that it is a good word, and one that is useful for thinking about how two people can create a marriage that is sustainable. It’s important that each seek virtue.
Though some of us might have an aversion to the word virtue, most of us would prefer to be married to a person who is full of virtue. And if there is anything that can create trouble in a marriage, it is when one or both spouses lack virtue.
A virtue is simply a good character quality or trait. It is a pattern of behavior that has become a habit in the best sense. It is a way of acting that begins to characterize who you are. When you gain a virtue—patience, for example—those around you know that they can trust you to act in ways that are consistent with that character trait in most situations.
Hopefully you are beginning to see why virtue is such a key aspect of having a lasting marriage.
For those who seek to develop virtue within your marriage, here are seven strategies.
1. Know the virtues.
Do some research together to discover the character traits that people have typically identified as virtues. Make a short list of those that you’d like especially to emphasize in your marriage right now. If you’re not sure where to start, you can begin with one of the traditional lists of seven Christian virtues. One list includes faith, hope, love, prudence, justice, restraint, and courage. The other includes chastity, temperance, generosity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility. Either list is a pretty good start.
2. Know yourselves.
Once you know which virtues you want to work on, each of you take an honest look at yourself, asking which virtues are already strengths for you and which offer considerable opportunity for growth. If you’re brave—and you can do so without becoming defensive and resentful—invite your spouse for his or her opinion as well.
3. Talk virtue.
One of the best ways to begin to develop virtue is to make it a regular topic of conversation. When you have an insight or see an example of a virtue, share it with your spouse. Maybe you’ll want to post visual reminders in your home, such as a list of virtues or some other visual cue that reminds you of the habits you’re seeking to develop. This will help assure that your heart continues to give it attention.
4. Anticipate virtue.
Expect that you’ll grow in the virtues you’ve identified. Most of us have the capacity to grow in every area of virtue, if we put our minds and hearts to it. Anticipate the development of a particular virtue in your life by acting as if you already have it. Support your spouse as well. Expect him or her to succeed, rather than anticipating failure.
5. Pray for virtue.
The development of Christian virtue is a two-sided process. There must be effort on our part; it doesn’t happen automatically just because we’re Christians. But it is also something that God does in us. Christian virtue flows from a heart that is being transformed by God. As you seek virtue, pray that God will transform your heart and behavior. Pray for your spouse as well.
6. Identify small steps toward virtue.
You can’t develop a particular virtue overnight, but you can choose one or two changes that you can make right away that are small steps toward developing virtue. Take the long view and begin with small steps.
7. Affirm virtue.
When you see small changes in yourself or your spouse, be sure to affirm them. Be particularly careful to note where you see your spouse doing well. Do this not in a supervisory or condescending way, but as a partner and a peer. The behavior you affirm is the behavior that is more likely to become a habit.
Developing virtue is a lifelong process. But if you begin making a concentrated effort today, it won’t be long before you start seeing significant changes. And perhaps nothing strengthens a marriage like seeing your partner work—in cooperation with the Holy Spirit—to become a better person.
Continue the series: Habit 4 – Seven Key Ways to Preserve Self in Your Marriage