“People stay married for different reasons than those for which they get married and . . . the later reasons will have to be discovered.” —Wendell Berry
The first time I told my wife I loved her, more than twenty years ago now, we were sitting in the gazebo on the campus of Welch College.
She laughed.
Maybe it was for joy (as she now says).
Maybe it was that I stumbled and fumbled around with my words until they actually fought their way out of my mouth (as I remember it).
Or maybe it was because she knew that I couldn’t possibly understand what I was saying.
Love is much easier to say than to do. You can’t manufacture it or produce it by direct effort; you can only cultivate it in the soil of everyday living and relating.
In other words, you don’t marry for love. Not really. You marry for the potential of love.
Love is a lifetime learning experience. And some of the best reasons to love are only learned after many years of loving.
So for those who want to cultivate love in their marriage, here are four perspectives or attitudes that can guide the way.
1. See love as a privilege not an obligation. A marriage built on obligation might survive, but it will not be the source of joy that it otherwise might. Make it your practice to love freely and generously . . . because you can. Seek to know your spouse well enough that you begin to understand why it is a privilege to be married to her or him.
2. See love as a pleasure not a pain. Yes, there will be those occasional times when you say, “I love you,” to remind yourself that it is true. There may even be times that it hurts to love. But there is also nothing more pleasurable in life than to love and be loved.
3. See love as a way of building for the future. Love has a remarkable, transforming power. It’s unpredictable. It doesn’t always “work” in the way that you might want it to. And that’s probably for the best. But one thing is certain—it is worth the investment to have a well-loved spouse.
4. See love as a way of reflecting God’s glory. We are never more like God than when we love. Maybe that’s why Jesus summed up the entire law in two statements: Love God and love your neighbor. And who is my neighbor?
Well, you can certainly begin with the neighbor who shares your home.
Continue the series: Conclusion – On Making a Marriage that Lasts