Lavish weddings are all the rage, but a sustainable marriage requires intentional effort. For those who aspire to permanence in their marriage, here are seven habits of a sustainable marriage:
1. Cultivate affection
To have affection for someone is to accept and like them for who they are right now. Some affection occurs naturally, but lasting affection must be nurtured and protected. If you want your marriage to last, feeding your natural affection for your spouse is a great way to start.
2. Practice mutuality
Marriage is a partnership that requires each partner to invest as much, work as hard, and take as much ownership as the other. In a lasting marriage, the focus is less on his and hers—whether its possessions, issues, responsibilities, or problems—and more on ours. If you desire a marriage that is sustainable, you will need to be just as attentive to your partner’s needs and desires as to your own.
3. Seek virtue
When you acquire the kind of habit called a virtue, you instantly become more dependable. People begin to trust that you are going to act or respond in certain ways and not in other ways. Lasting marriages are built on such dependability. The kinds of virtues I’m talking about are the Christian virtues of faith, hope, and love. And you could easily add to them the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23; ESV). A marriage that is filled with such virtues is one that will not quickly dissolve.
4. Preserve Self
One of the easiest—and most damaging—mistakes you can make in a marriage is to have the expectation that your spouse will be the source from which all of your future needs will be met. Of course, there are certain kinds of needs that can and should only be fulfilled within the bonds of marriage. But it is neither wise nor safe to place all of your hopes, dreams, and expectations on the shoulders of another person, even one who seems so perfectly capable as your spouse.
5. Focus desire
Be prepared. You will encounter people other than your spouse who are attractive and desirable to you. This does not necessarily mean something’s wrong. And it should not be a surprise. But it can take you by surprise, and it can quickly become wrong. Instead, let all your desire quickly come to focus on the person to whom you’ve already made a lifelong commitment.
6. Demonstrate grace
There is perhaps nothing more important to a sustainable marriage than the willingness to offer your grace to a spouse who fails to live up to your expectations. Be always ready to offer forgiveness. Avoid keeping a record of wrongs done. Remember that you’ll probably soon need to receive some of that grace in return.
7. Grow love
Don’t fall in love. Nurture love. Feed it. Protect it. Remind yourself every day why you chose to marry the person you did, what you appreciate about him or her today, and what hopes you cherish together for the future. And then, be sure to express those thoughts to your spouse. Speak your love freely and frequently. Don’t neglect to show your affection.
Because that’s the way a sustainable marriage begins and ends—with affection.
Continue the series: Habit 1 – Seven Ways to Cultivate Affection in Your Marriage