To a Young Man Contemplating Marriage
A couple of years ago, my nephew asked if I’d respond to four questions for a project for one of his college classes. The questions were regarding advice you would give a young man considering marriage. I don’t seem to have a record of the specific questions, but here are my unedited answers:
1. One of the biggest adjustments is learning to take responsibility for someone other than yourself. Once you’re married, every decision you make—big or small—will affect your wife in some way. So you have to get into the practice of asking yourself, not only what you want to do, but what’s best for your wife and what’s best for your marriage. It’s a whole new level of becoming other-centered rather than self-centered.
2. One of the biggest surprises is how little time you actually get to spend just enjoying each other. Looking forward to marriage, it seems like you’re going to have all kinds of time to spend together, more than when you were dating, but it never really works that way. It is just as challenging to make time for each other after the wedding as it was before.
3. There are some things I wish I’d learned more quickly, like the importance of being a really good listener. There is almost nothing more important to your wife than to know you care enough to really try to understand the way she is feeling and thinking. She doesn’t need you to give her answers so much as she needs to know that you care and that you’ll be with her through anything.
4. You must have a great amount of respect for the person you marry. Ask yourself, what specifically you respect about the person you’re considering marrying. Beyond how she looks and how you feel when you are with her, what is it about her that makes her worthy of your life-long commitment?
When you find the right person, feed your love. Regularly “meditate” on the things you love about the person. Challenge yourself to think of things you love about her that you’ve never thought about before. Say these things to her on a regular basis.
Make a commitment to yourself that you will never speak ill of your wife in public or to another person, but will always speak of her in a positive, loving manner. Be very, very careful about making fun. Recognize that sarcasm always hurts. Just eliminate it from your relationship.
Have fun. Let your wife know how much you enjoy being with her. Make her feel secure. A husband is not a dictator, but a team leader. Make decisions as a team. I could go on, but that’s probably enough for now.
Continue the series: Of Mice, Marriage, and Making Room for Grace